My history with writing down thoughts has been likened to someone visiting rehabilitation ....
There was the odd diary or two .. Many of which started as a new year's resolution, stopped a few days..
There was the diary which I wrote everyday when nothing else made sense and when things started making sense again , I promptly discarded with alot of those memories.. I don't remember events anymore.. I guess it is a good thing I threw away that diary..
There was the blog I wrote when I was 21.. In third year, when everything on the outside seemed just good and dandy but I was in need of an outlet.. That blog still exists.. I seldom write there anymore.
Then why a new blog?
Perhaps I am standing here on the brink on a new beginning ..Attempting to continue blogging. To write .. To explain to myself and to voice the words I seldom say..
I am finally done with medical school..
I have decided to stay on in sydney to complete internship at least.
But this decision implies my life is set up away from the place I always thought I was going back to.
The realisation that sydney might be home is overwelming.. Not just a place I study. The chance to run home is minimal, the prospect of starting a life, building friendships here and in this place is overwelming. The idea that I would have christmas dinners in my friend's place, spend afternoons without my family or seldom go back to mths of loungin at home before the next year starts is slowly sinking in. I have realised that although I have been away from home from 7 years, in many ways I never really left.. and this transition would make tt harder.
"There was a time, many years ago when I lived for considerable periods in a state of emotional exaltation, wrapped up in the action which absorbed me. Those days of my youth seem far away now, not merely because of the passage of years but far more so because of the ocean of experience and painful thought that separates them from today. The old exuberance is much less now, the almost uncontrollable impulses have tonned down, and passion and feeling are more in check. The burden of thought is often a hindrance, and in the mind where there was once certainty, doubt creeps in. Perhaps it is just age, or the common temper of our day"
---nehru
I was listening to music today, inevitably I started listening to songs I grew up with.. and then it flashed by, another life.. another person.. a whole range of other emotions..
There is no longing to go back because tt is the past.
but it is incredibly how when u are living the perfectly happy life.. finishing med school, going on to work, in an incredibly happy partnership and just in bliss..
When suddenly u dissociate and there is it .. what you grew up with.
Even if this post sounds melancholic, the fact is.. I am stating facts..
My legs are here in the present.. with one step forward..
Like the blog post says attempting to try again
